My Name is Diane

I am proud mother of 3 little ones who passed away far too soon ,and I created this site to keep their memory alive and share their special but breif lives with you all . 


This site was created in Loving memory Of            Malcolm Thomas , Alex Mackenzie and Joshua Lewis .

Mal was my first born angel and he  was born on 24th September 2000 at 4:52 am weighing in at 5lbs 80z he passed away 1 hour and 21 minutes later and our hearts were broken forever.

They died  from 2 conditions known as Hypoplastic left heart syndrome and Congenital Diaphragmatic hernia which were caused by a rare genetic condition known as meacham syndrome.

Separately HLHS and CDH are serious but together they are fatal , my babies never really had a chance.

Since Losing Joshua we have since found out we can't have anymore children because the recurrence risk in a subsequent pregnancy is very high  and after having 3 chances of being a mother cruelly snatched away This has been very hard to deal with.

I love and miss my children more than anything in the world and they will never be forgotten.

Things people have made in their memory.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W. H. Auden






A Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all great Master said,
as he gently caressed the dark hair of the Little Spirit's head.
"You need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know,
a place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn and grow."

The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head,
and from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here, you'll hardly know that you've been gone.

You're my choicest Little Spirit, you're the apple of my eye."
And He wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."

And then, the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know,
When your Angel came to get me, I didn't want to go.

I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer Earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with me."

The Little Spirit and his Lord walked slowly hand in hand,
As the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.
Now Lord, I don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home.
But I left in such a hurry; I left everyone hurting and so alone.

I didn't let my Earthly parents know how much I loved them so.
I was much too small to tell them, Lord, how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated, and in a way, so do I.
Not getting to share anymore than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"

"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore, I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand.
I'll content and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand

The Little Spirit looked up at his Master and said,
"Thank you for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy
and that someday they'll be here with me."

"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod,
"I'll tell them all that I can."
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit,
as the Lord let go of his hand.

He said, "I'll tell them you're pure,
pure as Heaven's Gold,
that I needed the warmth of your perfect soul
to keep Heaven from getting cold



The Shopping Trip

As I peruse the aisles
Of the local store
I see things more differently
Then I ever did before
"Daddy's Little Angel"
The embroirdered bibs do read
But Daddy's little angel is in Heaven
And bibs he does not need
he does not need a bottle
A rattle or a toy
Buying those things for him
We should never know the joy
There are tiny jars of baby food
That he will never eat
And skinny shoes with buckles
That will never touch his feet
As the bikes and trikes taunt me
From high up on the rack
Tears will break free from my eyes
If I dare look back
I ran off to the restroom
To blow my nose and cry
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard
And let out a sigh
I must go and face the paper
College and wide ruled
That my little angel will never use in school
I hurry past the greeting cards
That people chose with care
And I am reminded of all the holidays that we will not share
In the check out line I bow my head
And heavy is my heart
For the family right in front of me
Has a newborn in their cart
Shopping in the local store used to be mundane
Now ever aisle is full of items that reminds me of my pain
So quick as I can
I give the cashier the money from my purse
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain
In this formally happy universe
Author, Linda Vicory

Not a single day goes by that I don't think of my angels but the one thing that keeps me living is the knowledge I'll
see them again some day !


Husbands Must Grieve Too...

When death visits a family, everyone tells the husband to be strong,
he must find the strength to carry, himself and his wife along.
Some people tend to forget that the husband is grieving too.
He also needs someone to carry him through.

The death is so much harder to take when it is a wee one,
it is like an arrow in your heart and you brain has come undone.
You feel that you need to put on a brave face to support your wife,
but how can do this, when death has taken your sons life.

If you feel like crying, please do not feel any shame,
any man who has lost a family member would do the same.
The baby was part of your life for a while and then he was taken,
and this has left the both of you very shaken.

Do not bottle up your feelings because this will cause you more pain.
You must let it out or it will drive you insane.
Grieving is a process and it has to run its' course,
even if you are screaming and crying yourself hoarse.

Be there for each other both wife and man,
and talk over your feelings the best way you can.
Cry in each others arms until the pain starts to ease,
and remember you baby boy at times like these.

Jim William McVean 



Joshua Son
i put your name in the sand.
but the waves washed it away.
i put your name on my hand.
but i washed it away the next day.
i put your name on paper.
but i accidentally threw it away.
i put your name in my heart and forever it will stay 

 


To Those Who Look Away

To those who look away
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.

Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject

when I speak my sons' names,
change your way of thinking.

It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes

and say that we barely had them at all,

how could we miss them so much,

in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times.

We have seen their first steps, first day of school,

their weddings, and their children.

We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, 

even if I have twenty more babies,

I will forever have two in the grave,
and that is two too many.

To those who say to get on with my life,

I have. It is a different life,

The life of a grieving mother.

One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us:

we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US

,and you just might see THEM.


~~~ Author Unknown ~~~ 






  EMPTY SPACES

We are a group of Aliens living in civilian space
Just take a moment to hear my words.
I'd like to put you in my place.
Just close your eyes and imagine
You lost your child for a year.

I want you to know, that the
things you say bring tears. 

It's New Year's Eve, it's midnight,
you're toasting with champagne.
Just remember me for a second,
the New Year brings more pain.

It's February, Valentine's Day.
Everywhere you look a heart.
Just remember me for a second,
my child and us, apart.

It's Easter now, as you
watch your
child hunt for his Easter basket,
just remember me for a second,
our child lies in a casket.

It's Mother's Day,
then Father's Day,
you open the present your child brings.

Just remember me for a second,
for the phone that never rings.

It's a sunny day ,
your lunch is packed,
you found your picnic spot.

Just remember me for a second,
we had to pick out our child's plot.

It's August now, it's hot outside,
you take your child to the beach.

Just remember me for a second,
my child is out of reach.

September now, the school bells ring,
another school year has begun.

Just remember me for a second,
my child's lessons on earth are done.

October's here, you smile as your
child jumps in the leaves.

Just remember me for a second,
for all of us that grieve

As you sit at the Thanksgiving table,
your head bowed down in prayer.

Just remember me for a second,
as I gaze at the empty chair.
It's Christmas now,
you watch your child as he opens another toy.

Just remember me for a second,
for the holiday's bring no joy.

You take a picture of your child,
blowing out candles on his birthday cake.

Just remember me for a second,
for the one I'll never bake.

It's several years now down the road,
you watch your child get married.

Just remember me for a second, for the child
that I buried and as you go to the hospital,
to see your grandchild born.

Just remember me for a second,
for the child that I still mourn.

Open your eyes now, wipe your tears,
erase the way you feel.

Just remember me for a second,
for my pain is very real.

Just grab your child and hold him close,
but remember our pain and sorrow,

for the Civilian you are today,
you could be the Alien tomorrow




The poems below were written by me for my babies

Post mortem

How can you tell me
your sorry for my baby's death?
And then ask me if you can take him
all in the same breath,
to you he is just a number on a wall chart
to me he is the every peice of my beating heart
You want to take him away and open his
little chest
take away his organs and do all those tests
Please show him gentle hands
and a loving gentle touch
for the thought of what is happening
for me is just too much
I understand you have a job to do
and that as hard as it is for me
it can't be any easier for you
but please treat my baby gently
for he is my little one
please tell him he is loved
when you are done,
for you are the last person to
see his little face
before he leaves and goes
on to a better place
tell him its okay and that
god will be waiting
that when his soul goes up to heaven
no more pain and no more aching
just a special person waiting to
show him the way
and then Mr.Doctor
you will have made a mummy's day
to know you showed compassion and love
even though my child was dead
will ease the terrible thoughts
running through my head
So please Mr.Doctor
remember on this day
the compassion that you show
will be remembered everyday.

Copyright of DianeThom



PLAYING WITH THE ANGELS NOW....

Dear mummy,
I hate seeing you so sad,
I'm playing with the angels mummy
I know your hurting bad.

I wish I could hug you mummy
and make the pain go away,
ts not forever though mummy
you will join me here
someday!

Please know I'm happy here
Please wipe away that tear.....
I'm always watching over you
I see everything you do...
as much as you miss me
please believe that I miss you.

I sometimes visit you while you
are asleep,
please understand mummy
I was never yours to keep,

God borrowed me to you
for a little while
then he took me
back again,
but I am still your child.

It hurts me too mummy to see you
and daddy so upset,
please don't be so sad mummy
don't look back with regrets.
I am safe and happy here
waiting for the day

when you and daddy come
and we meet up once again
I have to go now mummy
the angels are teaching me to fly
perhaps if you look hard enough
you'll see me in the sky.

Diane Thom

HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE YOU?

I dread the question as
much as the reply,
As I try so hard not to cry,

As I am asked How many
children have you?

And I catch myself
Before I say two,

I look at the person
and try to guess

how will they react
if I confess?

My throat closes up
and my mouth goes dry,

I try to swallow hard
I don't want to lie,

My eyes glaze over
I feel tears spring to my eyes

as I gently explain my babies died. 

Diane Thom


CASKETS AND WREATHS...


Your clothes lie unused crisp and new
because you died the day I gave birth to you
your little hats never worn on your head
your bottles empty because you were never fed
your blankets still folded because
they never wrapped you up tight
all your bibs still sparkling white
rows of shoes you never wore
unplayed with toys
you would have adored
christmas presents never bought
instead we paid for a  funeral  plot
instead of toys and baby rattles 
you lost your life and lost the  battle
instead of a warm moses basket 
you got a cold little  funeral casket
instead of toys you got
teddy bear wreaths
because you only took a few short breaths
instead of elation I am grieving
If only I could of stopped you leaving.....
I visit your grave with lilies and roses
annivereseries I bring flower posies
My heart is broken shattered & torn 
all of your clothes
lay unworn
at the table a space where
you should have been 
all of this was  unforseen
All these things we never used
because you died
my heart is bruised
missing you more everyday
in my heart you'll forever stay. 

Diane Thom



LONELY DAYS AND LONELY NIGHTS

Shadows cast over my eyes
as I lay in the dark my gutteral cries
Tears fall down
I feel like I am about to drown
for tonight is another lonley night
and tomorrow will be the same old fight
a struggle to wake up each day
feels like life will be forever this way
My head is pounding my heart is aching
Every bone in my body feels as though
it's breaking
My eyes are puffy swollen and red
How do i accept my baby is dead?
My chances of a family stolen away
another lonely night and lonely day
A gaunt face and hollow eyes
mourning for my childs demise
A heart so heavy and sore
My whole world shaken to the core
no words describe the pain inside
I want to run away and hide
sheild my eyes from the hurt and sorrow
perhaps sleep on and not wake tomorrow
Another battle another fight
another lonely day and night

COPYRIGHT OF DIANE THOM 2006



LITTLE CHILD....

My little child you must move on
god needed you more you must be strong
I am your guardian angel come to take you to heaven
angel wings you will be given
mummy loves you and daddy too
but god called for you
and you must go
all the other angels can't wait to say hello
we have waited on you for so long
your mummy will be fine
even though your gone
you will be able to
watch her way up high above
you will be so free
up here as free as a dove
you can soar above the sky
morning noon and night
your mummy being below will
always be in sight
she loves yo so very much
and she always always will
no matter how many years pass
she will love you still
So you see you can come to heaven
you have nothing
left undone
your mummy and you
have a special bond
your her lovely little son.

Diane Thom