An amazing group called precious memorials paid for the lifetime subscription for this website and I'll be forever greatful to them xxx

 

            In loving memory of 2 special little boys

After a very tough pregnancy where I was in hospital for many months with severe pre eclampsia I finally gave birth to my little man.

 Finally after 49 hours in labour Mal was was born on 24th September 200 at 4:52 am weighing in at 5lbs 80z he passed away 1 hour and 21 minutes later under the care of a crash team working to revive him and our hearts were broken forever.

There was not a little baby more wanted than him in this world I loved him from the very second I found out I was pregnant and was so excited to meet the little person I'd carried around  & bonded with all those months.
During the labour there were  some warning signs that he wasn't coping as well as expected so they came in and took some blood samples from his head while he was still inside so they could measure the oxygen levels in his blood because his heartbeat kept dipping.
The decision was made to fit an electrode to to the top of his head to better monitor his heartbbeat,
I was slightly concerned but nobody including the midwives expected or realised that he was a very ill little baby.
A whole hour passed before anyone came back to speak to tell us what was happening, the doctor finally came in and told us that mal was a very sick baby and that they were going to transfer us to another hospital better equipped to deal with complicated medical conditions.
she said they had a crash team working on mal and as soon as they could stabilize him there was an ambulance on standby to transfer us.
My mum got all my stuff ready for the transfer and we waited on someone coming , 10 minutes later they came to tell us they had stabilized him and would I like to see him for a few seconds before the transfer
they wheeled him in to the room in the incubator he had needles and tubes everywhere including a huge tube down his throat, it was such a shock to see my little boy so ill.

I only got 2 minutes of a glance because the machine he was attatched to went off and they had to rush him out again,
I was devastated and I started too realise my little man had a fight on his hands to survive I just remember feeling so scared.
15 minutes later the consultant came in with tears in her eyes she sat on the bed took my hand and explained that he had died & that they'd had to stop working on him as he stopped responding.
I was utterly devastated I just couldn't take it in.
he died at 6:13 am only 1 short hour & 21 minutes after he entered the world.
The shock set in at that moment & that is what carried me through the next few days.
How do you ever prepare yourself for hearing those words?
How do you ever prepare for the fact that your own child died before you?
They brought him to us dressed in a little hat & wrapped in a towel we held him , we spent every second we had left with him to memorialise everything , every feature, his button nose, his dimpled chin, tiny hands the little creases on his knees I burned his little face in to my brain to make sure I'd never forget that little face.
The hospital allowed us to spend as much time with him as we could gave us a family room so the family could all say goodbye ,they took hand and footprints for us , allowed us to dress him & took photos for us , even brought us a moses basket for the family room.
I spent every hour of that painful distraught morning cradling my tiny babies little body feeling him grow colder in my arms , willing him to wake up , willing him to open his eyes, breathe , anything,....



It was a very very hard thing to accept because he just looked as though he was sleeping, finally letting go and allowing them to take him away to the mortuary was very hard. It felt so wrong.
You should never have to say goodbye before you've even said hello.
The post mortem revealed he had 2 conditions known as Hypoplastic left heart syndrome and congenital diaphragmatic hernia ,separately the conditions are life threatening but together they are fatal.
They said they were very surprised he lived as long as he did as many babies with such severe conditions often die during pregnancy or birth.
Despite how hard he had fought
my little man never stood a chance.
We met with geneticists who could offer no explanation for why it happened , they told us it was a once off and that it was so rare there was no risk of it happening again.

How wrong they were...

In June 2002 I lost another baby at 12 weeks gest.
The doctor said there was no reason I couldn't carry another baby and that maybe it was just stress or my body wasn't ready

In 2004 I was pregnant again & I had a much tougher pregnancy with joshua than mal , I had lots of scans in the beginning because of constant bleeding , so I was anxious and worried constantly because of my past , I just had a feeling something wasn't right this time.
I was in & out of hospital continually with bleeding and had scans every week from 12 to 18 weeks .

I asked the doctors if they could book me in for an anomaly scan which is more detailed to check for the same defects as mal, they told me they weren't expecting to find anything as we'd been told it was a once off , but that if it put my mind at ease then they would do it.
So they booked me in at 20 weeks ,
the scan lasted for 1 hour 30 minutes in the middle she left the room and brought a doctor in , they mumbled among themselves and didn't say anything to us except they were concentrating on his heart a lot,
afterwards they asked us to sit outside
the doctor came out with a slip to go to another hospital in Edinburgh
for 3 days time for a further detailed ultrasound.
She wouldn't meet our eyes , I knew.
I asked her outright what was wrong and she shook her head & said she didn't know maybe nothing.
I asked again just tell me the truth please
she sat down & said there was a possibly heart abnormality.
I felt the room spin I just knew.
The next few days were agonising waiting
not knowing.
Finally the day arrived for my scan,
we were taken in to a room full of people there was around
8 people in total I had no idea why at the time, until later that they were medical students.
They explained they would tape the scan for research purposes.
The scan lasted a long time or what felt like that, and joshua was a wee monkey and kicked non stop throughout twice they had to stop and wait for him to settle down .he was a feisty little kicker all the way through my pregnancy despite how ill he was.
After the scan we were handed a box of tissues and I knew the words before they came.
The doctor explained that from the findings she was certain Joshua had the same heart & lung defects as his little brother & would most certainly not survive beyond birth.
she told us he would be what is known as an'' incompatible with life'' baby.

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach
Not again , Not now
WHY ??
She handed us some forms about considering termination & then handed us my little mans scan pictures,I remember my mums face & the feeling of utter devastation and disbeleif & The horror that flushed right through me it's a feeling you never forget.I remember the drive home & the numbness that spread through me  the drive home from Edinburgh seemed 1000 times longer and I just cried my heart out the whole way home.
After that I had an appointment at my own hospital and met with the doctor, who was amazing ,he didn't try to push me in to abortion or force a decision on us, he just have us information , advice and loads of support.
He didn't try to talk us out of continuing the pregnancy but instead encouraged us and told us no matter what we decided we had to do what we thought was best for us.

We decided to give our baby boy the best chance of survival we could we had a tiny gimmer of hope ,
our alternative choice was to have a termination
& I would have to make the decision to end my little mans life & give birth to him stillborn.
I couldn't end my little mans life when he was fighting tooth and nail to live despite how ill he was.

At 26 weeks our doctor arranged for a  top peadiatric cardiologist to travel from dundee to meet with us to see if there was possibly any kind of operation that could done to repair the HLHS & CDH.
He met with us and gave us an ultrasound and reviewed the tapes of josh's heart & lungs he told  us he would need a healthy heart in order to operate on his lungs and vice versa and since joshua had both the CDH & HLHS there was no hope as it was too severe .
we were beyond devastated we had held a tiny glimmer of hope up until that point.

I cherished every little nudge and kick & the bond  I developed with him because we were preparing for his death instead of his birth was indescribable.

While most people shop for nursery decor
& baby clothes I instead
bought a cream shawl for him to be buried in instead of to bring him home from hospital in that was one  of the days I remember breaking down and crying until it felt like the bottom fell out of my world.

I knew this would be my last and final pregnancy and I relished every part of it.

We carried on the pregnancy as normal or tried to.
Only it wasn't normal , nothing can ever describe carrying your child knowing they will die,
to feel this little baby you've grown to love more than life itself kicking and moving around, to know that before his lifes even begun it's over.
Knowing you have to say goodbye before hello.
I also knew Joshua would be my last pregnancy & That I wouldn't be able to have anymore children because we'd been told previously it was a once off & would not be likely to happen in a subsequent pregnancy

 how wrong they were....

Lots of plans were made and My care was split between 2 hospitals
so we to  had to travel lots , some weeks I had hospital 4 days a week and others 3 times I was drained physcially and emotionally & sometimes the realization would hit me so hard when I felt those little kicks that he was really going to die it tore me in two.

I just wanted to keep him safe forever I think a little bit of me held out hope even then in those dark days a tiny part of me prayed there would be a miracle somehow.
Physically I was starting to prepare for the birth,mentally I was nowhere near prepared.

The doctor described that I was basically like his life support while he was inside I was doing all the work for him his blood supply and his breathing but as soon as he was born he would not be able to do it for himself. I grew more scared as I neared the end of my pregnancy because I was worried he would struggle for a while and I was worried I would not be able to watch him die. The docotors had made a decision not to revive him but just to let him go because it would only make him suffer as he would not survive for long anyway. It was incredibly hard to belive that they were just going to stand by and let my son die.There was talk of possibly putting a morphine drip on tha back of his hand so he would not suffer. I was horrified because it just made the situation so real and brought home that my baby was really going to die.
Nothing can describe the heartache and pain we went through as my due date neared and the weeks flew past it started to kick in & I was broken mentally and physically
I knew each day closer to my due date was a step closer to saying goodbye forever .

And sometimes it just got too much too bear, we didn't discuss it with anyone except close family and friends because it was hard enough answering questions we didn't even understand the answers too with close ones let alone strangers, so we had to endure ppl asking what we wanted and if we had everything prepared it was soul destroying lying but the truth was too complicated & hard  too even begin to explain when we didn't understand it ourselves.



My due date came & passed and my little fighter decided he wanted some extra time with mummy, and my stubborn little bubs stayed put for a further 5 days I loved it , I loved that extra time , I remember the night before I went in to labour Davie kissing my bump and talking to him
telling him all the things he wanted for him, how loved he was and how much we wanted him.
On the friday morning  at 7am I woke up with mild contractions& woke up daddy ,they continued all day until at 8pm that  night my waters broke , I stayed home until 1am and the pain got unbearable and then we were hospital bound .

It was so hard to realise that this was finally it time to say goodbye, I was a wreck.It was finally real.

Eventually at 12 pm on early hours of sunday the 1st of August I was ready to push my son in to the world and meet the little person I'd bonded with all these months.
I finally gave birth to my little man
Joshua Lewis was born on 1st August 2004 at 1:31 am , weighing in at 8lbs on the button  , alive and struggling to breathe  I whispered in his ear that he could let go now & how loved he was  and  he  passed away in my arms  3 minutes later after he entered the world, I was releived he died quickly because I don't think I could've stood watching him struggle but also sad that we didn't get more time with him , He was the most handsome little man & he was identical to his brother except bigger he had the same button nose , but much darker hair , the same shape of chin & even now when I put their photos side by side they look like photos of the same baby.    

      The hospital were very respectful , they once again gave us a family room with a crib & allowed us to spend as much time with him as we needed.
They also had a photographer come &
 take some photos for us
they gave me a lock of his hair and a set of
hand and footprints.
The family got to say goodbye .



Leaving Him Behind.....

The following day I was dishcarged  we left at 7 pm that night and we had to leave him in the family room in the crib it was dark and we had to walk away & it's one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do every step away from that room felt like I was burning inside I didnt want to leave him I didn't want to say GOODBYE!!
I wanted to run back and grab him and take him home hold him and tell him how much I loved him, how I had the strength to walk away from that room I will never ever know.
At least with Mal they'd come & taken him we hadn't had to go away and leave him in a dark room. I made a desicion not to leave through the maternity doors , my heart ached so much on that drive home it felt like the longest journey I'd ever been on I'd only left him 15 minutes ago and yet I missed him terribly.



The funeral was like deja vu every part of it , the same tiny white coffin with clouds on, the hymns , the minister everything
was just like deja vu , everything afterwards was a blur.
I never thought by the age of 19 that I would have buried both my babies...
Since Losing Joshua we have since found out we can't have anymore children because the recurrence risk in a subsequent pregnancy is very high.
After everything this is the hardest have thing to accept...

to have 3 chances of being a mummy taken so cruelly away & still not have the option to hold a living baby in my arms :( 
 

HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE YOU ?

I dread the question as
much as the reply,
As I try so hard not to cry,

As I am asked How many
children have you?

And I catch myself
Before I say two,

I look at the person
and try to guess

how will they react
if I confess?

My throat closes up
and my mouth goes dry,

I try to swallow hard
I don't want to lie,

My eyes glaze over
I feel tears spring to my eyes

as I gently explain my babies died.

Diane Thom
 

Post mortem

How can you tell me
your sorry for my baby's death?
And then ask me if you can take him
all in the same breath,
to you he is just a number on a wall chart
to me he is the every peice of my beating heart
You want to take him away and open his
little chest
take away his organs and do all those tests
Please show him gentle hands
and a loving gentle touch
for the thought of what is happening
for me is just too much
I understand you have a job to do
and that as hard as it is for me
it can't be any easier for you
but please treat my baby gently
for he is my little one
please tell him he is loved
when you are done,
for you are the last person to
see his little face
before he leaves and goes
on to a better place
tell him its okay and that
god will be waiting
that when his soul goes up to heaven
no more pain and no more aching
just a special person waiting to
show him the way
and then Doctor
you will have made a mummy's day
to know you showed compassion and love
even though my child was dead
will ease the terrible thoughts
running through my head
So please Mr.Doctor
remember on this day
the compassion that you show
will be remembered everyday.

Copyright of DianeThom

Be A Friend.....

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart;
You start squirming in your chair.

Everyone avoids me now,
because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that cheek,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's all right if you do to.

I swear that I'll remember
till the day I'm very old,
the friend who sat and held my hand
and let me bare my soul.

Author Unknown

I still remember the little things

I can still remember your black head of hair and tiny  little wrinkly hands and feet, rosy cheeks and cute little trademark button nose's & your misty blue eyes. I was a young mummy &I don't regret this for a moment because having you boys taught me compassion, understanding and what love trully was. Never did I know what love was until I gave birth to my precious boys and never did I trully have my heart broken until I watched 2 tiny white coffin's being lowered in to the ground.....
MUMMY XXX
Loved cherished & remembered FOREVER.
forgotten?NEVER !



Graphics  people have made for my Boys


The Shopping Trip

 

   

 

As I peruse the aisles Of the local store I see things more differently Then I ever did before

 "Daddy's Little Angel"

The embroirdered bibs do read
But Daddy's little angel is in Heaven
And bibs he does not need
he does not need a bottle
A rattle or a toy
Buying those things for him
We should never know the joy
There are tiny jars of baby food
That he will never eat
And skinny shoes with buckles
That will never touch his feet
As the bikes and trikes taunt me
From high up on the rack
Tears will break free from my eyes
If I dare look back
I ran off to the restroom
To blow my nose and cry
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard
And let out a sigh
I must go and face the paper
College and wide ruled
That my little angel will never use in school
I hurry past the greeting cards
That people chose with care
And I am reminded of all the holidays that we will not share
In the check out line I bow my head
And heavy is my heart
For the family right in front of me
Has a newborn in their cart
Shopping in the local store used to be mundane
Now ever aisle is full of items that reminds me of my pain
So quick as I can
I give the cashier the money from my purse
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain
In this formally happy universe
Author, Linda Vicory

Not a single day goes by that I don't think of my angels but the one thing that keeps me living is the knowledge I'll see them again some day !

Husbands Must Grieve Too...

When death visits a family, everyone tells the husband to be strong,
he must find the strength to carry, himself and his wife along.
Some people tend to forget that the husband is grieving too.
He also needs someone to carry him through.

The death is so much harder to take when it is a wee one,
it is like an arrow in your heart and you brain has come undone.
You feel that you need to put on a brave face to support your wife,
but how can do this, when death has taken your sons life.

If you feel like crying, please do not feel any shame,
any man who has lost a family member would do the same.
The baby was part of your life for a while and then he was taken,
and this has left the both of you very shaken.

Do not bottle up your feelings because this will cause you more pain.
You must let it out or it will drive you insane.
Grieving is a process and it has to run its' course,
even if you are screaming and crying yourself hoarse.

Be there for each other both wife and man,
and talk over your feelings the best way you can.
Cry in each others arms until the pain starts to ease,
and remember you baby boy at times like these.

Jim William McVean 

 
To Those Who Look Away

To those who look away
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.

Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject

when I speak my sons' names,
change your way of thinking.

It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes

and say that we barely had them at all,

how could we miss them so much,

in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times.

We have seen their first steps, first day of school,

their weddings, and their children.

We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, 

even if I have twenty more babies,

I will forever have two in the grave,
and that is two too many.

To those who say to get on with my life,
I have. It is a different life,
The life of a grieving mother.

One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!
Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us:
we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US ,and you just might see THEM.


~~~ Author Unknown ~~~ 

 EMPTY SPACES

We are a group of Aliens living in civilian space
Just take a moment to hear my words.
I'd like to put you in my place.
Just close your eyes and imagine
You lost your child for a year.

I want you to know, that the
things you say bring tears. 

It's New Year's Eve, it's midnight,
you're toasting with champagne.
Just remember me for a second,
the New Year brings more pain.

It's February, Valentine's Day.
Everywhere you look a heart.
Just remember me for a second,
my child and us, apart.

It's Easter now, as you
watch your
child hunt for his Easter basket,
just remember me for a second,
our child lies in a casket.

It's Mother's Day,
then Father's Day,
you open the present your child brings.

Just remember me for a second,
for the phone that never rings.

It's a sunny day ,
your lunch is packed,
you found your picnic spot.

Just remember me for a second,
we had to pick out our child's plot.

It's August now, it's hot outside,
you take your child to the beach.

Just remember me for a second,
my child is out of reach.

September now, the school bells ring,
another school year has begun.

Just remember me for a second,
my child's lessons on earth are done.

October's here, you smile as your
child jumps in the leaves.

Just remember me for a second,
for all of us that grieve

As you sit at the Thanksgiving table,
your head bowed down in prayer.

Just remember me for a second,
as I gaze at the empty chair.
It's Christmas now,
you watch your child as he opens another toy.

Just remember me for a second,
for the holiday's bring no joy.

You take a picture of your child,
blowing out candles on his birthday cake.

Just remember me for a second,
for the one I'll never bake.

It's several years now down the road,
you watch your child get married.

Just remember me for a second, for the child
that I buried and as you go to the hospital,
to see your grandchild born.

Just remember me for a second,
for the child that I still mourn.

Open your eyes now, wipe your tears,
erase the way you feel.

Just remember me for a second,
for my pain is very real.

Just grab your child and hold him close,
but remember our pain and sorrow,

for the Civilian you are today,
you could be the Alien tomorrow 
 

PLAYING WITH THE ANGELS NOW....

Dear mummy,
I hate seeing you so sad,
I'm playing with the angels mummy
I know your hurting bad.

I wish I could hug you mummy
and make the pain go away,
its not forever though mummy
you will join me here
someday!

Please know I'm happy here
Please wipe away that tear.....
I'm always watching over you
I see everything you do...
as much as you miss me
please believe that I miss you.

I sometimes visit you while you
are asleep,
please understand mummy
I was never yours to keep,

God borrowed me to you
for a little while
then he took me
back again,
but I am still your child.

It hurts me too mummy to see you
and daddy so upset,
please don't be so sad mummy
don't look back with regrets.
I am safe and happy here
waiting for the day

when you and daddy come
and we meet up once again
I have to go now mummy
the angels are teaching me to fly
perhaps if you look hard enough
you'll see me in the sky.

Diane Thom




CASKETS AND WREATHS...


Your clothes lie unused crisp and new
because you died the day I gave birth to you
your little hats never worn on your head
your bottles empty because you were never fed
your blankets still folded because
they never wrapped you up tight
all your bibs still sparkling white
rows of shoes you never wore
unplayed with toys
you would have adored
christmas presents never bought
instead we paid for a  funeral  plot
instead of a warm moses basket 
you got a cold little  funeral casket
instead of toys you got
teddy bear wreaths
because you only took a few short breaths
instead of elation I am grieving
If only I could of stopped you leaving.....
I visit your grave with lilies and roses
annivereseries I bring flower posies
My heart is broken shattered & torn 
all of your clothes
lay unworn
at the table a space where
you should have been 
all of this was  unforseen
All these things we never used
because you died
my heart is bruised
missing you more everyday
in my heart you'll forever stay. 

Diane Thom

LONELY DAYS AND LONELY NIGHTS

Shadows cast over my eyes
as I lay in the dark my gutteral cries
Tears fall down
I feel like I am about to drown
for tonight is another lonley night
and tomorrow will be the same old fight
a struggle to wake up each day
feels like life will be forever this way
My head is pounding my heart is aching
Every bone in my body feels as though
it's breaking
My eyes are puffy swollen and red
How do i accept my baby is dead?
My chances of a family stolen away
another lonely night and lonely day
A gaunt face and hollow eyes
mourning for my childs demise
A heart so heavy and sore
My whole world shaken to the core
no words describe the pain inside
I want to run away and hide
sheild my eyes from the hurt and sorrow
perhaps sleep on and not wake tomorrow
Another battle another fight
another lonely day and night

COPYRIGHT OF DIANE THOM 2006



LITTLE CHILD....

My little child you must move on
god needed you more you must be strong
I am your guardian angel come to take you to heaven
angel wings you will be given
mummy loves you and daddy too
but god called for you
and you must go
all the other angels can't wait to say hello
we have waited on you for so long
your mummy will be fine
even though your gone
you will be able to
watch her way up high above
you will be so free
up here as free as a dove
you can soar above the sky
morning noon and night
your mummy being below will
always be in sight
she loves yo so very much
and she always always will
no matter how many years pass
she will love you still
So you see you can come to heaven
you have nothing
left undone
your mummy and you
have a special bond
your her lovely little son.

Diane Thom


WHAT IS NORMAL?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is opening up my bedroom closet and everyday seeing the things that the hospital gave me of my baby (blankets, teddy bear, etc).

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving and having flashbacks of that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have one child or none, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.


Normal is getting up from my desk at work and going to the bathroom to cry or crying at my desk and praying
that no one comes by.

Normal is avoiding looking in the direction of pregnant women and newborn babies.

Normal is going into a store and avoiding the maternity section and baby clothes.

Normal is crossing to the other side of the street when I see a family or a mum with a pram
Normal is walking around with a stuffy nose and red, swollen eyes.

Normal is seeing the framed pictures of my baby in my house and knowing that I'll never get a chance to update
them.

Normal is walking into a spare bedroom only to see the unused baby furniture, crib bedding, high chair, and
other decorations meant for my baby's nursery.

Normal is sharing pictures of my baby with other bereaved mothers and knowing that they won't be offend by looking at pictures of a "dead baby".

Normal is seeing a pregnant women and wondering if they realize how quickly and unexpectedly their joys can turn into anguish.

Normal is seeing someone with a newborn baby and wondering if they even realize how it could just as easily have happened to them.

Normal is getting frequent and painful reminders in the mail for flyers advertising baby formula and baby book
clubs.

Normal is having to contact companies that are still mailing me information to let them know that I would like to be removed from their list because my baby died.

Normal is pulling up to a car in traffic, seeing their car seat, and knowing that mine is sitting in an attic.

Normal is tending to my baby's memorial website to try to keep his memory alive.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, not in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are still "normal".

~ Author Unknown~